Be Present

Being in the present. This is tough when you are stressed. I find myself worrying about bills next month, as I have been living month to month for the last 18 months. This is tough as I had been a teacher with a secure income. I willingly left that secure income to pursue other interests and give myself a much needed sabbatical, but it does come with other stress.

I finally have time to work on my own projects but I find my mind filled with worries. It is really hard to draw plans for a beautiful home when you are standing in the rain needing shelter. So what how do I set aside legitimate concerns? I have found a few strategies.

One of my strategies is to play the “what if” game. Okay here is my worry and now let me play it out. What if that worry did come to fruition? What if I did fall short on bills next month? Is there savings? Is there a bill I can put off? Is there someone I can borrow money from? Is there other work I can pick up when needed? This helps me create back up plans. Are these my favorite options, no but it does help me remember that I will make it through.

Another one is to literally put a start date on my worrying. I am okay for now, how long will that be true for? Now I can put down in my calendar a note to revisit that concern and see if I need to get serious and take an action or if I will be okay for a little longer. Yes literally being present. I am okay for today, I have a plan for tomorrow and then tomorrow I will make a plan for the next day.

I do acknowledge that not having kids or others dependent on me helps me in this situation. However, in my current situation I also have few people who are in a position to support me and so I do often feel on my own. This is also difficult and I try to remind myself of the few close friends and family I have that I can ask for emotional and/or financial support when needed. I also hope that they see that I am working hard to find my path and so will be willing to help if I do not ask too much of them.

There is no magic solution to the stress but being present is a practice that gets easier the more you employ it. Gratitude for the time and the adequacy of today and discipline to use that time towards a bigger goal.

Trust

As an emotional being, I often feel those emotions pushing me off balance. If I let them rule me then I am like a top spinning and wandering off with no particular path. To learn to be still with my emotions is to learn to trust in the universe, to trust in life, to trust in others and most importantly to trust in myself.

I am learning to trust in my purpose. To trust that what I have to say and share is meaningful to others. That it is meaningful to spend time with my own words. This is a craft that I love and so I need to refine it. Whatever your craft or passion is, I hope you connect with it and give it time. When we are young, we freely spend our time immersed in our own interests. As we get older, we have pressures to fill a role in society and make money to be part of our current societal structure. This often means putting aside our passions or at least not seeing them as foremost in our priorities. What if we all were able to follow our passions completely? What would that society look like?

Trusting in my own interest is new but the more I do it the more rewards I find with it. It’s like my curiosity is a little elf leaving breadcrumbs into a magical forest for me to follow. The surroundings are strange and takes a bit of getting use to them but the further I venture, the more I discover and the more curious I become.

It is also something different then to walk back out of the forest and try to share some of the magic with others. Some will be curious and fascinated with me, but many others will not. Hopefully they have their own magical places to go to. It is not my job to please everyone, but to find contentment for myself and hopefully share that with others.

And here it is that I have spun myself in circles and wandered off on this nice little path today. I have found a beautiful sunny spot and so I think I shall stop spinning for a moment and be still in the space.

Positivity

Be positive. This is often given to us as a solution to the emotional stress we all feel at times. Yes feel positive but how you get there is pivotal. Are you just going through the motions or do you generally feel positive? How do you break the negative cycles?

I have been in a state low enough that at times I felt like I needed to just “go through the motions”, force myself to get up, shower, go for a walk, write down things I am grateful for even when there is so much more I am worried about. So yes, I do believe there is a time when we need to push ourselves to see the positive in our lives and our world. But yes, we also need to allow time to think about the thing that bring us pain. You might ask, “But why? What is the purpose of giving time to negativity?” Empathy.

Empathy is the reason we need to be aware of our own struggles. We need to feel our own pain. “People can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” (Matt Kahn) Others may have said it also but this is where I heard it and I find it rings true in my life. When I do better being in touch with my own emotions: joy, delight, and pain, then I find that I can respond more effectively to those around me.

I also know that by addressing my own pain, I am healing those wounds and living in a healthier state for myself and for those around me. Knowing I’ve given time to the wounds, allows me to more fully embrace the joy. It allows me to see the pain in perspective and appreciate the gifts I have gained as I move beyond that pain.

Sometimes we need to dive deep into ourselves, our pain and then we do need to remember to come back to the surface and enjoy the sunshine. As we learn this dance of diving and resurfacing, we can begin to show it to others.

Pain

When you are feeling something emotional happening, take a moment and sit with that feeling. How does your body react? Usually muscles tense up. Where is this happening? For me, it is frequently in my shoulders and jaw. Then there is some emotional pain which hits me in my core, my chest tightens, my stomach churns. Recognizing the signs of our own anxiety and/or emotional pain means that we can then respond in healthier ways.

Sit with that feeling. Breathe. What thoughts are going through your mind? How are you framing the situation? Can you reframe: from I have lost a job, to this is an opportunity for something more fulfilling. This is not to ignore or discount the pain from the loss but to see beyond that loss. Were there benefits from that experience that can help propel you forward? Is this pain from something negative that I think is happening, or some negative expectation? Is this my own negativity? We create our own story and the way in which we tell that story to ourselves is fundamental in how effectively we are able to deal with painful situations.

But maybe you are not ready to reframe or just need to process the negative emotions from an experience. That’s okay too. Sit. Breathe. Tune in to your body. Notice the thoughts that arise with that experience. Notice the emotions that arise. Notice the reactions in your body, the pattern in your thoughts. Keep taking deep breaths. Let go of those negative thoughts. Breathe into your body, breathe into the areas that need to let go.

What have you learned? What can you be grateful for? What can you carry forward? Where do you want to go?

22 November 2019

Patience

So often there are people around me feeling busy and so I feel I must also be busy. I try to find what it is I am suppose to be doing. I am always sure I am forgetting something important. I take on many small tasks but can get lost in these and forget the larger purpose that I see for myself.

Business, what an interesting word. It is usually read as “biz-ness” but really it is “biz-e-ness”. We are filling our time with busy tasks but are we filling our time with purpose?

I am learning to pause more often and reflect on what is truly important to me. I am learning to be patient with those who come to me with some minor but urgent task. Have you completed this? Is this submitted? Is that really important? To be patient with myself when I get lost in the mundane and forget the passion and enjoyment of life.

I take a breath and a moment to regroup and refocus on the big picture. What is it I really want to accomplish with my time here?

Counterbalance

Balance is the harmony of opposing forces.

Emotional awareness can be gained through many avenues. We might talk to friends and family, reminisce over pictures or keepsakes, dig deeper with a counselor, or use yoga and meditation to gain access to our emotions through the body. I have done all of these at different times. I have found them each helpful in their own ways. What I need to work on now though is being in tune with my emotions without letting them rule my mindset.

I am finding this takes some self discipline to open my heart up and allow the emotion to flow through me honestly but to not react impulsively to that emotion. My emotional impulsive have proven to not always be helpful. If I am only reactionary without being conscientious then I enter into patterns that are unhealthy. I am angry, depressed. I look for short term relief. I look for someone to blame.

I want to build stronger healthy relationships and also be true to myself. That means that yes I need to keep in touch with my own feelings. In the past I would suppress them in order to seem less troublesome, more attractive to other people around me. I thought if I was just easy to get along with and didn’t express any negative emotions then more people would like me. This works in casual situations but actually prevents me from making deeper connections with those who I want to be close with and who want to be close with me.

Fortunately, I am in a situation where I could take the time and delve into my emotions and soak in them for some time. Now though I want to move back out of myself. I am working on finding daily practices to keep in touch with my emotions and also practices of extending my love and support to others. Keeping an awareness of these opposing forces is the self discipline of mindfulness.

19 November 2019

Elli Morris, James River, Virginia – photo credit: Cliff Hitchcock

Dimensions

Expectation is trying to control a future that will always elude us.

It is helpful to have goals. It is important to have things we would like to work on in our lives. I often have a goal I am working towards. For me it is a specific project or task that I would like to accomplish. It is something that is an appropriate building block from where you are to the next step. I then make a plan for achieving that goal and that plan is realistic and flexible.

We are always in a state of growth. There are times we may go into hibernation or stay static in one area while we grow in another. However, I like to stop often and take stock. If I am frustrated, then where can I shift my energy to renew my spirit. Sometimes I am ready to shift focus from one area of my dimensions to another. Sometimes I have mastered a level of work and am looking for new challenges. What is your next step? What excites you?

But goals are very different from expectations. Goals are promises to ourselves; expectations often refers to what we think will happen outside of ourselves. This is a way in which we try to exert control over the future and others. This is what leads to frustration.

If you find yourself frustrated in a situation, think back what did you think that situation was going to be like? Was this expectation based on past experience? What can you do going forward to promote the outcome you would like? Is it worth your time? If not, let go of that expectation and accept what is. If it is worth the effort for your future, then make a goal.

18 November 2019

Cycles

The leaves of the trees fall to the ground. They cover my patio and need to be swept up. I pile them into the garden. This will help protect the roots of the garden plants through the winter. They may also decompose some and return nutrients back into the soil. They may provide cover and food for small creatures.

Even at the end of a cycle, we are still contributing back to our environment. Endings and beginnings are not permanent but moments of transition. The ending of one cycle becomes the beginning of the next.

What cycles have you been through in your life? I have been through school, college, committed relationships, home ownership, moving to new places, different jobs. . . Each has taught me more about myself and the world around me. My hope is to gain and give more wisdom than pain in each cycle.

17 November 2019

Contrasts

The elements of nature are our building blocks. We must honor each of those within ourselves. Water: being fluid, cleansing; earth: nurturing, supportive; fire: burning away of the old to create new; air: creative and connection. Keep each in balance.

Sometimes once we have found our strengths we become comfortable capitalizing on those and forget to explore those areas in which we are not as strong in. If you are a planner, could you do something spontaneous? If you avoid schedules, then is there some self discipline practice that might enrich your days? Both are important.

16 November 2019

Focus

“Before you become too entranced with gorgeous gadgets and mesmerizing video displays, let me remind you that information is not knowledge, knowledge is not wisdom, and wisdom is not foresight. Each grows out of the other, and we need them all.”
― Arthur C. Clarke

It is true that sometimes we become too engrossed in our screens. I have found myself gathering snippets of information like a lost hiker in the woods who is cold and desperate. I gather small twigs until I can hold nothing else. I go and start my fire with one of my two matches. The fire burns quick and bright consuming the kindling quickly. Before the fire can even warm the ground around it, much less myself, it has burned out.

I have one match left. The sun has set and it is getting colder. I am shivering uncontrollably. However, if I repeat the mistake I just made I will be cold for the rest of the night and have no warmth at all. I must not gather just small twigs but also larger branches and stumps of wood. I must look for pieces that are more substantial to sustain a fire throughout the cold, dark night.

Sometimes this is what social media brings us, lots of headlines that ignite our interest but how often do we take the time to learn the full context of those headlines? And then what have we learned? What actions will we take as a consequence of our learning? This is where knowledge and wisdom come in. If you only take in the information but do not reflect on it’s meaning, do not act on it’s lessons then you are just perpetually gathering twigs. It is not the technology’s fault. It is doing what it is designed to do, give a little information on a lot of topics. It is our responsibility to use discernment and select the areas where we spend our time, our energy.

Technology is not the enemy, the enemy is our own lack of impulse control. There are no easy solutions. The only solution is critical thought. Take a breath, feel how you feel about it: Is this worth your energy? Is this something you can affect? How are you making others feel?

15 November 2019